Christian Tan

For a long time, some delusional individuals (and certainly not only 1st violinists), have considered 2nd violin girls immature beings, as in, if you give them enough sun, water, fertilizer and attention, they may ripen to become 1st violinists or violists.

This fallacy should move anyone who possesses a shred of intellect into a wary head shaking. After all, it is quite clear that the 2nd violin girl should be considered as a Jungian archetype, a fundamental part of our collective subconscious and even a spiritual guide, a philosophy of life for how we should shape our lives. At least, during the pre-genital phase.

The fact that we are talking about 2nd violins girls, is obviously rather hetero-normative cis-gender stereotyping and therefore very anachronistic. Being a 2nd violin girl is a state of mind and no longer necessarily linked to gender or even instrument. Even a (for example) cishet male trombonist could be a 2nd violin girl in spirit. And many, possibly even all of them, secretly are.

Anyway, the cult of the 2nd violin girl has already resulted in a lot of books: the way of the 2nd violin girl and management, 2nd violin girls and spiritual development, tasty recipes with 2nd violin girls, the occult rituals of 2nd violin girls and 2nd violin girls gone wild part 1 (unfinished). Furthermore, the 2nd violin girl was also used as a measure of length in the 18th century by architects from the Freemasonry. It is therefore no coincidence that the rooms of the buildings from that era are exactly two 2nd violin girls high (= 3 meters). The phenomenon of the 2nd violin girl has rightfully been investigated for centuries by psychologists, anthropologists, pathologist-anatomists, biologists, sociologists, influencers and shady humanists. The whole of our cultural history is permeated with this archetype: the well-known idea of the holy virgin and the immaculate conception is clearly derived from the 2nd violin girl and many historical women were 2nd violin girls: Joan of Arc, Mary Magdalene, Lady Ada Lovelace and her daughter Linda, Anna Freud and Bugs Bunny in drag. It is not a coincidence that 2nd violin girls climb up to important functions and become captains of industry, unless their superior is a 1st violinist. In western society, merchandise is also booming: second violin girl posters, books, waifu pillows, hentai, virtual reality games, blue rays, stuffed animals, anatomically correct action figures and 2nd violin girl uniforms.

Even though they are not as much fetishised as say, cellists, many a connoisseur appreciates the unique bouquet of 2nd violin girls, although for other people it is more like an acquired taste: like licorice or durian. Talk to your sommelier if you are curious. In short, without the 2nd violins girls, today’s Western society would look very different and the cold war could have ended a lot worse. They are thus like the doomsday device of the orchestra.

In the previous series of fluffy social science analyses:

– Brass players: more than just musical flatulence? No.

– Woodwinds and their obsessive compulsive dental care.

– Drummers and their phallic percussive projections

– The dominance of harpists in the BDSM scene

– Violists: from underdog to undercat.

– Celli: their proverbial attractiveness is causing traffic jams.

– 1st violins: well..

– Conductors and Adlerian power psychology.

– Double bassists: size matters and in fact they all want a caravan or to be a turtle.

Old episodes can be reordered for a mere 25 guilders per item.